just me, myself. :)

2007-01-27T00:38:00.000-08:00

UNGLAM QUEEN. I'M AN UNGLAM QUEEN.

LIKE SO...TOTALLY!

Kaisheng, you are so done for. Now I don't know where to put my face. I'm so gonna post an unglam picture of you. Yes, on my blog. After I learn how to do it that is.

Jess, watch what you tag! "Ahemahem" knows my blog address! But anyway, yeah, I'm glad he's coming down. Let's all go down and see him ok ? -shivers with excitement- :]

Anyway, I think Kaisheng is right. I'm UNGLAM. Last night I totally embarrassed myself. I was watching tv with some disgusting face mask on and the doorbell had to ring at that time. Stupid me forgot about that goo on my face..and assumed that the person outside was my dad. So I opened the door real huge and said "YOYOYO!" , in my ugly brown shorts and shirt with holes on the sleeves. AARRGHH. The poor salesman - he had a shock of his life. But he was real smooth laaa...sort of recovered his composre real quick and went "aha....you are putting face mask?" That's when I touched my face and shrieked. Saw him give my "nice" clothes a quick once over. Hmm. Hoped he had a good impression of me :]

Something weird happened yesterday. I was really late for one lecture..so I was half speed-walking half running in my usual unglam manner when I sort of bumped into Miss Selva. Funny thing was for the first time in erm, two years (?), she did not really take notice of my skirt length and untucked blouse..I think she was real concerned with my supposed "tired look". Kind of weird, cos I wasnt tired that day - just stressed out from getting lost all over the darn COMPLICATED corridors. She actually gave me a lecture..."take care of yourself ok..etcetc" all concerned and nice and mama-ish. Nice change, for once - though I was like already fifteen minutes late and panicking, so I had to brush her off. Now I REGRET it. It's kind of nice to hear MISS SELVA giving me tips on how to sleep early and not feel so tired :D Beats sitting through a boring lecture.

2007-01-22T20:42:00.000-08:00

HELP. MY BLOG IS DYING. I DON'T FEEL LIKE BLOGGING ANYMORESSSSSS : (

2007-01-09T07:06:00.000-08:00

This week has seen its fair share of ups and downs. I'm pretty much exhausted from everything that has happened lately, and I can only pray things end quickly.
But there are a few things to be glad for. Like, how I have fantastic friends in the same orientation group as me! Fellow mushroomers cum p**-ners Gen, Biq and Shi! Or, how my blood test proved negative..how I weathered through a terrible injection without crying erm, that much :D and...hmmm...having fun laughing like crazy in school and relieving all the stress from my mum's shouting and my maid's black face. But most of all, I want to thank angma, jo and benson and fellow squashers for giving me fantastic times in trainings...unbeatable!
Orientation has been pretty boring. Not a very intelligent way to begin it with INTRODUCTORY LESSONS of all things! Mass dance is not so fun when you're all tall and dorky and freakish..but danciing with shi and biqing is kinda fun, even with shihui laughing at my 'lagtime'!
hmm..nothing more to post. just updating for the sake of well, keeing this diary ALIVE!
GOODNIGHT DAAARLINGSSSS!

2006-12-30T02:52:00.000-08:00

Right now, life doesn't seem as if it can get any better. It's too good. I'm back in my beautiful house, I have fantastic memories of my trip to Korea as well as the Christmas well spent. But then again, as all good things must come to an end, the spectre of going back to school is looming up ahead. Way too close.
This is the first time I'm dreading school. Don't get me wrong. I love school. Have always, period. But the point is this - going back to school signals the closure of an important chapter in my life. Two years in IP was wonderful. I loved all the fun we had. Who can forget all the gossiping sessions, the last minute cramming for sadistic 'mini' quizzes ... all the consultations before finals, the sickening tutorials and our loving math tutors! AHHHHAHAHAHAA.
But most importantly, streaming into JC just does NOT appeal to me. All the fun will be gone, won't it. And, it makes me feel old. I'm afraid of growing old. There's no denying the fact that deep down in every child's heart, there's a part of you that longs to stay stagnant, a part of you that simply wants to make everything stay where it currantly stands. To make the fun last just a moment longer - to live in the joy without the bittersweet tinge of faded memories.
But things come and go. Have always had. So I'm making one more New Year resolution right now, and it's as simple as it is.
I'm going to look forward to the New Year. I'm going to enjoy school orientation, to enjoy some time with old friends as well as new friends. I'm going to be more determined and focussed in all my future endeavors, and that includes my Squash trainings as well! Most of all, I must look after myself, stay healthy and happy and quite smart and quite tall and quite not-so-fat!
Well, I guess the above is not just one resolution eh? It's an ACCUMULATION of all the unfulfilled wishes I've always had! The resolutions of a wishful and hopeful but ill-disciplined girl who always lies to herself and deceives herself and convinces herself quite otherwise!
Before I look ahead and usher in the New Year, I want to remember all the wonderful outings I've had this year.
Girl, I'm proud to say you've grown up this year! -pats myself and smirks happily-
During the two months of year-end hols, I've gone out with quite a few people, from primary school friends to secondary school friends to like almost everybody et cetera.
Everyone has grown up...and I must say, distance is the measure of the time that we have spent apart. Growing apart is inevitable, yet this is of no comfort. It's kind of sad how we are no longer as comfortable with each other as we used to be, how we have changed and gone our ways, sad how we run out of topics to say to each other...all these whilst we smile and say hi, spend the time in comfortable silence and sweet memories, then later say our byes and promise to meet up again. We accept the fact that we have grown apart, but friendship is strong so unfamiliarity doesn't mean we cannot accustom to each other's new ways for accomodation brooks no judgment (of each other). We adjust, and just as friends are meant for each other, we fall together quite nicely and quite naturally, adjust, fit and form a beautiful puzzle. All the little pieces, insignificant on its own, but so beautiful as a whole. Such jigsaw puzzles, such friendships, are the things that really matter, not just grades. They add colour and vibrancy to our lives. Kind of nice. Hopefully such quiet but strong friendships stay just as strong as each year comes and goes!

2006-12-24T19:23:00.000-08:00

It's been some time since I last posted here! Only realized this after attempting to sign in like, four times? Goodness, this isn't the first time I've forgotten my password.
Today's Christmas, except it doesn't feel like one. Maybe the days following up to christmas did feel more christmassy, because my relatives were here to visit us. But now, it's more empty, maybe a bit boring..It's funny eh, enjoying myself for four days straight and on the day of christmas itself, all the fun starts to taper off. Thank goodness for christmas shows to occupy my time.
The house is still, not done, all the unfinished work is starting to get on my nerves. I really am dying for my room to be ready, hopefully we can move in this saturday.
New Year is coming, I'm looking forward to Chinese New Year though..get out of boring Singapore and head over to Malaysia for all the fun and fireworks and letting loose...maybe some shopping? All the fantastic ideas..but why daydream when it's still such a long way?
My New Year Resolution:
I want:
The will and determination to train myself into a more disciplined person, and not remain as the stupid, superficial, whimsical current self!
The inspiration and the drive to stay focussed on my goals and make constructive progress...
The happiness and joy which stems from precious memories, instead of the wishful longing that only brings sadness...
Lose all the fats from christmas cookies and the nonstop pigging out in Korea!
Get the fantastic polka dotted topshoppy belt from forever21. For goodness sake tsemei, it's only a measly 23 bucks, so stop holding back and just grab it! Imagine how good it will look on the white shirts you have!
I will fulfil them! -sticks my little pinky out-

2006-12-15T01:58:00.000-08:00

It's been a month since I last posted an entry. Somehow during the last month, I could not bring myself to write about the Korea trip.
It's been really tough acclimatizing back here in Singapore. It's tough to forget the people you have just spent one whole month of your life with...sentimental but true, I realized.
Don't ask me about the trip. I don't want to share about it. I guess what Mel said is true.
Words cannot describe, in fact, it cheapens the memories.
Is it just me? But I feel as if those memories are so special, so private, it's just for me, me and me alone. No one else.
How was your trip?
Great, perfect, wonderful.
What else is there to say? All I can do is to show you the pictures, that is, if it means just as much to you as it does to me.
missing you already ...

anyway, im HULK now. Fat, but happy. :D

2006-11-23T16:50:00.000-08:00

Since I'm currently done with stoning in the Seminar Room and am waiting for my homestay buddy to come and "pick me up", I shall write about my two weeks in Korea so far!
It's 9.45 am in Busan now, which technically, translates to 8.45 am in Singapore. Two weeks have flown by so very quickly, but even though I'm enjoying myself here, the internet connection is kind of bad here, so I admit I do get pretty homesick at times.
Everybody here in the Korean Science Academy has been very nice to us so far. From the teachers to the students to our very own buddies, each and everyone of them are hospitable. Even the schedule which they have drawn up for us is just perfect. No stones were left unturned. There is time to tour the school, time to meet up and chat with buddies (meet cute Korean guys =)), to observe their sometimes undecipherable lessons conducted in Korean, to witness their academic brilliance, to immerse in the culture, nature and shopping here - simply what people call the dynamism of Busan!
Quite tired from rocking to em, rock musin in my dorm with Jess. We were yelling our lungs out to music blasting from my laptop!
In a few minutes time I shall be taking a train to Busan to go to my Homestay buddy's home. It's kind of exciting and all.
AH MEI THE ROCKER; DIRTY LITTLE SECRET!

2006-11-10T00:47:00.000-08:00

Ok. The last post had a title. NOT!
I'm kind of tired this moment. So. Shall do a brief post.
Squash was ggrreat. Categorically,absolutely, beyond doubt. (= (=Not because we trained hard, at least for my part, sucks to have lungs that feel like mushy sponges. Heh! I totally changed the style of trainings. When you are sick, everything simply comes and goes. So, FREE AND EASY. Badminton for warm ups, then pklayed in slippers and denim shorts. Partly because I wanted to go home lookign like I simply just went out for a trip with frineds. My munm musnt know. fullstop. Jo is fun to do smashes with. Hope we caqn repeat today!

apology

2006-11-10T00:20:00.000-08:00

This is the first entry that I have ever written, that is, one with a title. Because this time, I'm writing with a purpose. I'm not acting emo or anything, but I really hope that the person who reads this, I hope you know that I'm writing this for you.
This is sort of a last resort on my part. Because I'm not very good with expressing myself, especially since I haven't got enough chances to know you. So... I can't even look straight at you, let alone tell you...apologize for my rotten behaviour.
Sorry if I have given you a cold shoulder. I just hope you understand, that I find it impossible to be myself with you around. So if you have been insulted, or angry, or...whatever unpleasant feelings on your part, I apologize. I hope we can be friends. Because right now, we are just strangers. And I'm going to be leaving the country in three days time, and I will feel rotten for the entire month in Korea, feel rotten because of today. Unless I find a way to express myself, even if it is through the most cowardly of ways, through blogging. You are probably not reading this, but you know, I just hope?!
If you have ever noticed me ignoring you, it is not because I hate you, or because I am unfriendly...
I'm not being overly sensitive, am I? But either way, I won't feel happy, unless I get all these words out of my system.
For the past six months, and until today, my attitude has destroyed whatever little friendship we had, right from the start. It's just very embarrassing for me. So, sorry once more.
I hope this will salvage our friendship. If you are reading this.

2006-11-06T05:09:00.000-08:00

Please, please dear lord. Please kill away all my eye germs. I need, want, desire, and am dying to go to my VERY OWN class shalet partehhhhh!

2006-11-06T04:43:00.000-08:00

AAAAAHHHHHH. Today was such a busy day.
I was really really sick yesterday. Coughing out blood and all that. With grosser details. Shall not put up here =) ButBUT, I absolutely could not skip training, because privte training would be so much more expensive, much more so as compared to the doctor's fees. So I dragged myeself out of bed and went for training. How sick is that?! And my illness was kind of evident. Usually, I would run for like, twelve rounds, but I couldn't even make it past three today! I feel like a loser! After that, I did my shopping, cos I figured if I get all the preperations for KSA done by today, I would have time to go to class chalet tomorrow. But guess what! I'm home now, dying from ACUTE eye infection. So, no class chalet for me. As Jay says, I'm damn suay =(
Training was oh-so-good. Trained for, lets see, seven to two, meaning seven hours. EXCEPT. The part when Gloria "collaborated" with Jo. So I ended up playing with Zuo Jie instead of her! abcdefg. You knw I'm damn shy, angma, and my obvious lack of skills and training. Her excuse? "oh! It's better to lose face now than later!" WOW angma, at least try NOT to admit my lacking compared to a competent player?!!!!! forgive you laaa. And it was reallyreallyreallyreallyreally nice of him to agree to compete with me. [heh! maybe he knws he would win, that's why!]
SHopping was great, but tiring. We went to bugis street, found a cute pair denim shorts for nineteen bucks only! Honed my bargaining skills. Bought momentos for my host, buddy and mentor in Korea. WHich reminds me, I'm kinda sad cos my buddy hasn;t emailed me yet :(
Ehhh.What else did we do? YES! A haircut! My newfound best buddy cum long lost sister leehuizhen says that my hair is nice, but it looks like a curtain, so I sort of trusted her, and...I went to recut my hair! Oh mann. The haircut so turned out the way I wanted. NOT! My jaws, along with my usual well-mannered self, =), all fell to pieces the moment my blind self wore her specs and finally got a picture of what sort of hell the hairdresser had wreaked upon her nice soft head of hair! AAAAAAHHHH. hEART PALPITATIONS.
Actually, It's not that bad la. I was just exaggerating to vent stress. only. =)
Gloria says I look like a sports commentator. I say, bullshit. I look like a monkey. Kidding, kidding. In all honesty, it's kinda nice, and I;m fine and content and happy.
It's been a long, but nice day.
As gloria put it, angma, jo and me make a really great trio!

2006-11-02T22:55:00.000-08:00

[CONTINUED FROM THE POST BELOW]
OOPS. Fell asleep before I could jot down all my thoughts. Hence the uncompleted previous entry. Sorry to those whom I'd left out! =( My sincerest apologies!
Eh Heh. Sort of left out the guys here. But that doesnt mean anything, so please dont take offence!
*Just sort of linked gl and john to the girls they always hang out with...
XuanD: You've been a great friend! =) Miss those times when we could crap like crazy...I don't even mind being called a "noob" by you! I have a pride man, so that is saying something! But sad to say, it's been awhile since we last talked eh? Must be because I was so caught up with all my personal problems and being one helluver hormonal kid. So, SORRY!
Kwokie: Kwok arh! Don't sleep in class kae? Dnt make waste anymore of my smses to wake you up! And btw, kwokie, you are a great person, and next year I will miss you, especially all the fun times doing the one million projects we had together!
HanD and Linjiang: HanD, I hardly did any projects with you did I? So I did not have enough chances to get to knw you better...my loss! Anyway, it was real amusing to sit behind you and observe all your gayness! To Linjiang, so far, you are the best guy I've ever ever EVER worked with on ANY projects, and its always been my fortune...partly because you are smart (I admit), but mostly because you are a caring and sensitive partner, and a great listening ear too! THanks so much for everything!
Fangyu: I know you are not a guy! =) But hey, I'm treating you as a classmate! I think I really dont know how to thank you, but there was once when you really made a difference to my day...as well as the countless times when your smile really brightened up everything! Thanks for being there for me! Love that smile =) =)
Well, this is it for all my "acknowledgements"!

Today was such a mad rush. The rush to get my gpa and drown in self pity and sorrow w/o anyone looking..the rush to sign up for my subject combination. BCML! The rush to the ksa briefing in the library....
First off - BCML is the subject combi I've always known I would take. But it's heavy. And hence highly unpopular. So it was a relief to me..when I found out that there were at least OTHER students taking it...or at least, pple whom I know, like Melody, Sarah and Justin. GREAT PEOPLE, HURRAH!
Then the KSA meeting. MY. PHEW! I know in advance that it will be great, because the people there are great and the teacher is too! So one month spent in greatness (that's the way I put things across). I can feel it in my bones!
Everything great. Except one thing. COMMON BATHING ROOMS. Someone, please do sthng about it! I'm SHY!

2006-11-02T08:32:00.000-08:00

It is pretty late now. Or shall I say, too early? I've not been asleep for a whole day! Congratulations to myself, for such a huge accomplishment in my otherwise barren, dry and unembellished life.
Just came back from squash friendly. Oh man. I think I was displaying too much attitude there. Not the good way. The Bad Way. :( WhyWhyWhy. I must be really bad for not volunteering to give a shot. To even give myself a chance. But through some twisted manner of thought, my worthless self sort of got itself convinced, that the world would be so much better off without my playing there. Then now, I'm thinking, maybe I wasnt right after all. That for the onemilliontrilliongazillion-th time, I am not putting things into perspective the way they should be! OUCH! Maybe, it wasnt very sports-womanly of me ...aiiihhhh.....I'm not proud of myself.
Sitting back and watching Gloria and Jo play, I felt reaally proud of them you know? Especially Jo, through sheer determination, she trumped those people out there! Gloria, nevertheless, she's good. But I wont say much. Cos, ANGMA, u LAZYBUMMER, run a bit more la, I will make you shall I??!!!!!
Besides sitting there consumed with pride and feeling like a motherhen, I was also reflecting...partly to do with this whole one year and the class. There are so many people to thank! I cannot possibly, humanly, imagine next year without the great oh-one-ipers! Aw shucks, why must life tear away the people closest to you, just when everything seems to be good, and getting better.
I will miss everybody :(
Jay, Shi, Xuan, Peixin, Gimlim, Shiane, Ha, Wuduo: Hey, there is no need to state things explicitly, is there? How I feel, well, it's bigger than words. YOU KNOW! Friendship's so pure, you neednt use fanciful words, the kind you guys always claim you find in the LONG-ONE-MILE essays I write! Go out together! I will try to hang out more often...
Huizhen, Reethie, Nut: Oh man. How do I even begin? By thanking you guys for staying with me through thick and thin? For listening to me, for understanding me, for gossiping with me, for looking in the mirror with me, for comparing fats with me, for groaning and moaning and laughing and crying with me? A rainbow's rare, but you guys shine your light through the raindrops and colour a rainbow. You guys are THAT rare! And, I have to thank you guys for it!
John: Aw shucks, I can feel your ego inflating cos I dedicated sthng for you??!! NO lah, just wna tell you that even thought you made it your personal duty to traumatise me every living breathing second of your life, I guess, IT WAS FUN WHILE IT LASTED! HAHA JOHN. THANKS FOR TRAUMATISING ME. I OWE YOU ONE. CHCKEN RICE? SUBWAY?
Gha, ShiHui: You guys are the ones who knw me inside out you know? When I'm sad, but pretend to be happy, or when Im happy but pretend to be sad, you guys see through all my pretences, and that proves something doesnt it? For good friends, true friends, know each other so well that words arent the only ways they communicate through. Love you guys. And next time you guys have troubles, I will always be there for you, just as I know you guys will be for me! xoxoxo
Gen, Biq, Ybee: SO funny and wacky and crazy. Stinky, crazy but pretty MUHROOMS! hOW CAN i EVER FORGET YOU GUYS? Say, don't forget me too while you? Cos, that would make me really miserable, without all that laughter you guys bring to my life!
My fingers are so damn tired now. Guess this means its time to go, but before I leave...
THANK YOU GLORIA AND JO AND BOON HONG! FOR TODAY. TIS' A WONDERFUL DAY! LALALLALALALALALALA. =) =)=)

2006-11-01T04:55:00.000-08:00

Dumdeedumdeedo! School's officially overrrr! Yeeearrrrgh! *dances on the spot :)
Now that the holiday's here, I am so happy. It's as if I'm living all over again. But then, there's this one little problem, besides the fact that we will be getiing our gpas this friday :(
Training.
Oh man. I so hate missing all the squash activities. There's camp, a milliongazillion squash friendlies and trainings. I will be missing out so much. Darn it. Looks like I have to train a lot harder on my own, that is, if it isn't too much of a stretch, and I highly doubt that it woud'nt be. LAH!
Then you might ask, why did I even apply for KSA then, if I knew I would be so reluctant to skip training?
See, I sacrificed so much for my past cca. I trained lilke crazy, and ninety percent of my time was spent in the courts. Then what happened? Hah, that's for me to know and for you to find out. But it wasn;t nice, and I was crushed. More than that, I was DESTROYED. argh. Then I swore to myself that my mum was right after all, that sometimes, it does NOT pay to dedicate yourself, channel all your time and energy into ONE cca. So I convinced myself. Then squash came, and I really enjoy it, and all the cool funky nice crazy people plus coach there. And now Im confused. But what can I do? Hey, I might as well accept it man. Maybe go for private training on my own or sthng. No lunce. Save money. Fifty bucks per hour. I feel poor :(
Training's been really great. And the coach. So much nicer than my previous one. Gloria's right, I feel as if Benson is a friend. Heh. Funny, thinking that he has made it his personal duty to make fun of me ALL the time. But when all thing;s said and done, I knw that he's the best, one helluver nice niceniceniceNICE coach one can get. And I'm happy. Finally.
Got my hair cut today. totally suckered up to her :) ehhh. It costs twelve bucks. OK, why am I even talking about this??? because its like my first haircut in one year?!
LazyBummer.

2006-10-16T06:04:00.000-07:00

The worse person to hate is yourself. Cliche, but true. It is a terrible thing, to live with so much hatred. You want to yank it out, rid yourself of it. Take it, Crush it, Hurl it, Spit and Stamp on it, but it is impossible. I am so angry, so disappointed. Can you feel it? It is the only thing occupying my mind now.

Why do people ask for so much?

But just as I am pointing my finger at them, nine others are pointing back at myself.

I have two parents, two siblings, a house. I have friends.
But I cannot help myself, my feeling this way. Happiness's a farce.

Just got back my papers. Rather, received my marks via the phone. Skin allergy's one thing, but not to go to school because you are scared too, well, that's another thing altogether.

People say I scare myself too much. I always moan about my marks but end up doing so well. On one hand, I do understand how they feel, but on the other, do they understand how I feel?

I expect a lot because I work hard. But I'm beginning to realise that working hard's not going to get you as far as you desire sometimes. And it is hard, this realization. After all, I have always banked on this mentality, and it has served me well, brought me far.

I swear I'll never do last minute work again. The last time I was this determined, that must have been the time I was streamed to EM2. That was the time I stopped making excuses and started working for what I wanted. I had what I wanted. But not now. And it sucks, feeling this way.

I wish I can be smart. Smart people don't work hard and fail. Actually, everything that I have had so far has always been a fluke. I mean, how does it feel, knowing that you've gotten something not because you are smart, but because of some other reason.

Sometimes, people must realize that making comments like, "she's a bubbly girl" or " She is cheerful and should be able to cope well" or "Smile through your exams", aren't that well received, because when they so conveniently forget to add in the crucial point about you being at least, relatively smart, you begin to FEEL LIKE A DITZ.

:(

2006-10-13T20:25:00.000-07:00

Haha! Ass week was completely anal, at least, in my opinion... I'm absolutely and completely traumatized by how badly I did, but then again, groaning's not gna do much to rectify my mistakes, neither will it do wonders for my ego :( So I'm just gna forget abt it, and look forward to my upcoming korea trip to KSA. And yes, it is a research trip, not some ski holiday, but well, at least I get to meet Koreans, which should be a lot more interesting than going back to Malaysia.
I'm actually quite scared, because in all honesty, I'm not that self-sufficient a person! I mean, like washing my clothes for a month?! I cannot imagine myself doing it, even my maid has the nerves to laugh at me over this! After all, I cannot expect my host to do the washing for me right?! But yeah, despite all these fears, I'm still looking forward to a month of self-independence!
Back to more mundane stuff...
Yesterday when I was walking home, I saw an absolutely cute toddler! He was sooo cute, you know, with two pudgy cheeks and that toddler-ish, lopsided-ish way of walking! I don't knw what took over me, but according to the ah-ma opposite me in the lift, I must have stopped still in my tracks and stared at the cute toddler, even forgetting to enter the lift! Cos later in the lift, when I finally managed to tear my eyes away from his cute red crocs, the ah-ma looked me in the eye and gave this twinkling, "all-knowing smile", as if she could understand why I was so taken by him! Hmm, I guess ass week has me so aged that I'm FINALLY on the same level of maturity as a grandmother...
Anyway, I hate the haze. I have a very bad skin allergy now, cos I have always been allergic to dust.I feel terrible. And this skin DISEASE has robbed me of my chance to go and help out in my own school's open day as well as my own cca's booth! I feel cheated! RARARARARARRAHHHHH.
I'm quite distracted these days..there's a lot of things on my mind that I cannot forget and cannot get over, but I must swear to myself to forget them due to the upcoming chinese O's, at least, for the time being. I mean I cannot expect myself to do well if I'm so moody right? Like during the terrible assessment week.
Kae, finally finished a long LONG post. have chi tuition later with hz and gen, must remember to cover my whole body. Terrible skin allergy.

2006-09-28T06:09:00.000-07:00

Death at the moment is a VERY entertaining consideration. Hell, you can die by just sticking a finger down your oesophagus because of stress (as the TV says), or by mugging 24/7, or just getting killed from boredom by self-imposed house arrest.

2006-09-23T07:20:00.000-07:00

In everything we do, there's always no perfection. But lately, it seems as if whatever I do, it's always wrong. In every action, there's a mistake, an oversight on my part. But there's one, I made a mistake that's so terrible. It's considered over, but ya'knw the kind of person I am. I'm the kind who cannot live with myself even if I can finally face up to the person I owe. I guess I'll just have to live with it, as I've been for the past three months since June. Even classes seem pretty terrible to bear, because it only reminds me of what's missing. I want to voice it out, but I cannot. I musn't make the mistake of letting too much out. All I can say is that I should have said something at the beginning, put more effort, tried to do somthing.
:(
how do you say sorry?

2006-09-17T17:22:00.000-07:00

HURRUMPH. chinese prelims have ended. how great is this?! I was so traumatized cos i wasn't able do an ENTIRE passage. whatever.
suddenly im too tired to blog.
i wna go KOREA!!! ARRHHRHRHR. DIES.

2006-09-10T06:56:00.000-07:00

It's ninefiftytwo, night. I'm not done with LA essay, nor MI essay. I'm stressed out by writing essays. It seems as if I've spent my entire life writing. Even my last three blog entries mentioned mi essay in some way or other, and that's so gross, cos i've never really believed in letting work affect my personal life. It's off limits!
It never really got through my head did it? that I might not finsih the stupid essays? Stupid of you, girly. Now I'M dying. cos I went grocery shopping with my mum, then went out to eat with my dad. Came back with a truckload of salad ingredients, blew five thousand bucks on three million assortments of fruits to last me ONE week. Couldnt resist the yakun toast, so I spent an hour removing the dollops of butter slathered on the crispy toast that seemed to be swimming in yummylicious pools of kaya....ok. I shant go on about the delights of refined sugar in homemade kaya. how about talking about quiches? or cajun salmon? oh boy, i'm so hungry now ...erm, what's with the talk of food. i need to go back to discussing my moral dilemma. NOW. concentrate girl ...

2006-09-08T21:06:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling through my MI essay now. My sister is beside me yelling down my poor ears.
'CAN YOU STOP THE MUSIC!"
according to her, i'm so stupid (unlike her), that i shouldnt even listen to music and do work, cos it's gna affect what little thinking i have left in that tiny brains of mine.
one more time she calls me stupid, i will scream vulgarities so vile, she will begin to doubt her listening faculties.
eat your words, sis, who's the stupid one? You cant even tell the difference between kelly clarkson's singing and paris hilton's breathing!
what made me say that? thats fickle. im not. right?
erm, maybe i should stop doing my essay now. HP computer sucks, they cant tell the diff between CAPS ON and CAPS OFF. will mrs tan prefer and essay in fonts so big, she doesnt have to sit to read?

2006-09-07T02:53:00.000-07:00

as xuandee had recently pointed out, i can't type for nuts! This is so terribly random, but MI essaying is getting on my nerves. Anyway, you cant blame me could'ya, a person who spends 50% of her keyboard time correcting her typo mistakes? But then again, you can't expect much from a two-fingered, stone-aged typer yeah? my dad says i need to attend LESSONS. yes, you've read right. lessons on HOW TO TYPE FAST AND TYOPE RIGHT. oops. i see a mistake agin! =D
hols is way too short. and it's majorly jam-packed with school commitments and other outside stuff. ive noticed it has become a trend to say this.
Person A: "HOw's your hols?"
YOu: "Terrible!"
so CLICHE.
makes you kinda wonder if the person's saying it either because for some unknown reason, it has become cool to say that he or she is busy, or because it's just become a habit.
workworkwork, is this the main goal in a student's life?
forgetworkforgetworkforgetwork. It most certainly has become our personal mission aye?
Hols.hols. it's become the only thing we look forward to. and this is PATHETIC. because our basic right to rest has become a luxury.
EVERYTHING.makes you kinda wish that you could just grow up way fast, and bypass all this unnecessary torture.

But I must admit, this time round my hols is not that bad, cos shopping with friends can make you forget everything else.

2006-09-06T01:16:00.000-07:00

oh my. im so embarrassed about my blog. maybe that's why i dont go around telling ppl i have one?! i was talking to angma today, and it took her like five minutes, before i finally slputtered out the blog address. just look at this whole thing! the add's bad, even the "and a kiss with a hug" thing below, it's so gross, im starting to wonder what possessed me to choose this template. plus, the whole business abt linking others, its so difficult. so jay;s the only one linked, cos she created this for me in the first place...it's SO not me. im stone-aged. fullstop, end of story, the end. period. but this blog. it's meant for me to spill out my thoughts etc, when im all stressed out and too caught up in my own stupid world. sometimes we just need a little letting go aye?
today, i went out with ang and jo. we went to the golden rooster to eat. Im feeling kinda depressed now. I hate it, the way i count the food i eat, or the way i see the sugar and the salt and the fat and the fat and the fat. its so terrible, eating's beginning to be so stressful for me. and i hate this. and i knw by writing this here publicy, its gna make pple pissed off at how SUPERFICIAL I am. but im not proud of this. and i want to change. but changing's not that easy is it? counting your food just sucks, especially for me, cos it never works in the end, you just end up eating more and piling everything back on. you end up more stressed. what can i say? i dont want to think about it anymore. but this reminds me of something i read recently, its that learning to love yourself comes first. always. and guess what? in a sense, this sort of "self-centredness" is important. oh yes, and that you cant make anybody love you, cos' you have to make yourself be loved first. aye. the inner sustenance again? so deep =) way deep, i cant seem to get it right!
on a lighter note, just wna share this amusing thing. the last time i talked about my husband? thats so lame. and this is too, but its wasted if i dnt get to share it. Jay and i were on the mrt the other day..and we were talking abt the pple we used to like. its amusing, amazing even, how you say one thing but dont mean it, or that things dont turn out the way you want it. that's why the pple I like, tsktsk. so bad, not very nice. no matter how many times i swear to god i will get myself a husband who's so sweet, he will just make you melt in your shoes! but hey, i end up with drug-addict types... :( i think i'll get divorced like, FOUR TIMES in my life !
and that;s an understatement.
i feel so much better now, after writing all this lame crap, and listening to "heal the world" for three times ina row.

Mum's the Word.

2006-09-02T07:06:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wonder if something had indeed gone wrong in my family's gene pool. seriously.

At the dinner table:
Sis: "Mum groped my butt today."
Me: "Eew mum. you're gross!"
Dad: "Gross? Lucky more like it!"
Sis: "Precisely Dad! Mum seems to think that my butt is your butt!"
Me: *horrified look. "Could we stop this?!"
Brother: *horrified look "I saw mum swinging her bra today!"
Mum: "Who asked you to look? And the way you put it, so pervertic!"
Me: "Can we drop the topic? Mum, you are so sick, you make me want to puke!"

a conversation at the study desk:
Me: "Mum, do you think that doctors are justified to kill patients?"
Mum: "No! They should not. Mei, you must never, i mean never, kill. Killing is bad. It's a slap in God's face."
[note to self: Mum has never been a Christian. Mum never goes to church. Mum was a Bukit Merah Buddhist Studies teacher! Mum has a cert in Buddhist Studies...]
Me: "Mum, you are just so weird. I thought you never believed?!"
Mum: "NONONO! Killing's bad! I can feel it...it's in the air! It's everywhere..." [waves around and feels the air]
Me: *horrified "Mum, you're freaking me out. plus, you are looking like a zealot!"
Mum:" Mei, please take note. Killing's bad."
Me: :Mum, everything that you are saying... it all goes agaainst my essay!"
[actually, I haven't even started on it. Just sort of planned.]
Mum:"Never kill yourself..."
[i begin to wonder if i've ever given my mum even the slightest remote impression that i am suicidal. maybe she's seen my blog?]
Okay, hello Mum, if you are reading this, IM DEAD! You must have google-searched my name right? Just like what Dad did the last time! He found my name on wuduo's secret blog. oops. notso secret now =)
Mum: [she mumbles to herself] "Coming to think of it, my life's quite rich..."

yes, indeed. Mum, your life's so rich, it's making you weird!

2006-09-02T03:30:00.000-07:00

dear diary,
today i banged into a man cos i was walking and looking at the ground. talk about embarrassing.
today someone told me the meaning of whats that word? yeah.. "imba".
today a HC guy took pity on me.
(he saw me carrying one gazillion and one stuff. so he told me to take the remaining seat, even when there was an old woman, a very old one, beside me! *wails)
today i am guilty. guilty of taking that stupid seat and denying a very old lady of one.
(so when the guy left the bus *phew i let the lady have the seat instead. and scolded myself all the way home for not having done that in the first place!)
today i almost fell asleep on my peer tutor
(and this reminds me how i almost fell off my seat in chem class cos i was sso going to sleep. Ha woke me up =) )
Love,
your beloved loser =(
XOXOXOXOX MUACKS

2006-08-29T01:35:00.000-07:00

why have all the looks in the world when your heart isnt in the right place?

2006-08-29T00:49:00.000-07:00

I feel so used. Sometimes when others ignore you, or when they knock your ideas down without even considering it, or worse still, say some lame shit and attribute it to god knows some weird weakness of yours that to them is apparently, apparent, you just can't help but feel either bad about yourself, or curse them silently (even if they are people close to you and you know that you shldnt be doing what you are doing) and you are asking them to go knock their heads or something. This is reality, and it's how I feel. Moments like this, you just dont mind being useless. or at least, more useless, so someone says.

2006-08-28T22:27:00.000-07:00

just don't stress me out alright? why do you even expect so much from me?

damn it

this is childish whining. but to hell with that. aarrrggh. This is completely anal. I dont even deserve that high expectation. Go Get A Life.

2006-08-26T22:49:00.000-07:00

Last night, my mom came home from Tangs with a dirty looking thing peeking out from one of those fabulously pretty Tangs shopping bags.

Me: Hey mom, how'd the shopping go?
Mom: Bought something for you. Couldn't be prettier!

So just as i was getting my hopes up, she took out THE DIRTY LOOKING THING and passed it to me.

oh well. so thats the "pretty" lil' gift. hey, im not complaining, i guess i'mcfortunate enough to be blessed with a mom who shops with her kids in mind.

and you knw what?! to those who complained abt the ugly bag. guess what, i dont give a damn! even if it's crap, i'll carry it!

2006-08-26T05:15:00.000-07:00

A few days back, a very special person asked me to post about this on my blog.

It was a rather silly request, and it went something like this: "How will your husband look?" But i loved the ridicule of it =D

aaaiyahhh. so superficial. one.

this is damn funny.

To the very secial person: WHY DID YOU EVEN ASK?!

duh. he would definitely be some guy i had previously met by the roadside, you know, the likes of those drug peddlars, wearing skintight, shoulderhugging black latex shirts with ironed-on tiger prints, erm, perhaps with one, maybe two navel rings?

I'm proof-reading my entry now, and I cant help asking myself since when did such awwessum taste of mine develop... i'm so proud of myself.

so jay, does this answer your question??

I LuRb CheWWWW. xoxoxo.

2006-08-22T07:22:00.000-07:00

during chem and physics, this is how i feel

drowning

during chem and physics, this is what i think of

1. subway
2. what to eat if there's no subway

*repeat

anyway, tmr's wed. gg out to parr-tehh with my friends. looking forward to it!

2006-08-20T05:25:00.000-07:00

rarr. my secret blog is no longer a secret. :(

2006-08-19T20:53:00.000-07:00

things to do today:

killkillkillkillkill all them teachers.

and smile whilst doing it.

just a random thought:

can't wait to see how the squashers icecream floats will turn out! :D it has to be yummy aye? After all I will be there, needless to say. where there's food, there's me!

no comments.

2006-08-19T06:55:00.000-07:00

i used to love school.
i used to love meeting people.
i used to love the moments of laughter, joy and tears with my friends.

i used to not like going home.
i used to not like being passive.
i used to not like being useless.

now,

what can i say?

to say that i'm unhappy would be a major understatement, yet i dnt think i'm to the point of suicidal-ness.
then again, to say that i'm happy makes me want to snort with derision (yes, snort, the idea of it is simply...the foolishness of it!).

time marches by in its slowslow SLOW pace. and it's as if i'm caught in some time-warp.

I just wish that i can, for once, stop sleeping in school, stopp nodding off in tuitions, stop feeling so passive. or am i too hard on myself?

maybe i should try Accelerate. i mean if john has tried it, why cant i?!

who am i trying to kid?

2006-08-14T14:21:00.000-07:00

stoned.

whoever made monday so damn long? what's with the physics double period?!

by the time i reached home (aprox. 9 pm), i was too tired to drag myself upstairs to my room. so. i pretty much slept on the floor right next to the door w/o bothering abt anything. not that i had a choice. too tired to think straight.

anyway, i've been doing a lot of thinking about almost everything lately (surprise surprise! whoever says i have low iq?! =D)

just wna say that life sure sucks, but no matter how terrible things can get, small surprises do linger out there, ready to please you in their unexpected ways. yes, pleasant things do endure in the most difficult of times. so hang in there, for yourselve and or your friends!

and btw, this is NOT AN ANGSTY BLOG. however much shihui, peixin and gimlim seem to claim! DIEDIEDIE. it's unintentional okae? *grin.

this is it. period.

2006-08-12T19:49:00.000-07:00

ok. this is the third blog i've created, that is, in three days. i think.

WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH ME?!

i think i much prefer creating new blogs, than posting entries. or rather, i seem to either forget my username, or my password, or shockingly, even my blog address.

someone, tell me i suck will you?

is there a wall anywhere close by? It needs a good beating, and a hard one.

and i promise you, this is THE blog. i screenshot-ed everything with all the details when i was filling up the data thingy, well, just in case i forget stuff. just in case. :)